The Walk

Ok I have this disease, it's chronic.. it's progressive and it could care less what I would like to do. It has it's own agenda...

Or does it?

Is it possible that I can just roll with the punches?

I did my research and listened to many folks, listened to doctors and such. But beyond the initial chronic attack... MS just ain't me.

I remember that after my diagnosis the confusion and fear I carried initially. What am I supposed to do? Buy a wheelchair and break it in? Am I supposed to forget all the goals of my life? Should I forget about fun.. love... adventure?! Gradually, after my diagnosis my body healed. Or did it? Or so I think. Gradually my mind settles and an old version of me returns.

It's old that one particular moment sticks out... it's the walk.
It's the first time I said NO to MS.

I had just left the pharmacy, I had just fallen in love with a pharmacy tech Shelley. But only from a distance. Kinda funny how the world turns. Afterwards I decided I must visit the grocery store across the street. At this point, I'm still driving, just not walking well. As I did each time, I looked for the closest abandoned buggy in the parking lot. I found that I could keep up the charades of a healthy, young man, by using the buggy as a walker and it did not expose my obvious weakness by using two walking canes.

But not today.
I guess somebody was actually doing their job and there wasn't a buggy to be found! So a decision had to be made....

BTW- for 18 years, I refused a handicap sticker. Those were for sick people... I just had MS? 

Back to the decision...
Tick Tock.. you just can't wait for a buggy to roll out to you. I can't go back to the pharmacy and stand googled eyed at the pharmacy tech that surely has not noticed me.

I just can't believe.. I'm kinda pissed off that somebody did their job and kept all the buggies in the store - WTF?

Don't they know that there are more uses for a buggy? And don't they know that I have MS and an obvious entitlement? Don't they know they are going to lose me as a customer? This massive/mega grocery store clearly hates handicap people... but they really, really hate me.

The only reason I'm there anyway is because of the pharmacy I chose. I chose the pharmacy because the pharmacy tech smiled and said hello.. and did not notice my canes... my limp.. not even my slurred speech. Don't they know, really they must, most likely I will fall walking into their grandiose grocery store. Don't they know?

How their callousness is going to destroy my dignity and self esteem? Hmmm..... BAM!
It hits me like a brick.

Let me keep it real for you.

The grocery doesn't care that I am only there because of the pharmacy. The pharmacy does not care that I am only there because of the tech. The tech does not care that I am only there because of my disease. MS does NOT give a rats a$$ what I feel or what I think... now.... dignity and self esteem are not tangible.

It's an internal process... and can only be developed by ourselves and no one can give it or take it away.

I got this! I get it. My life. My choices. My MS.. my choices. My misery.. my choice. My dignity.. my choice. My self esteem.. my choice. Mine. Mine. Mine.

So if you get anything, get this - it's very empowering. From that moment on, I have yet to walk into a store with a cane or a buggy, and yes, I have fallen, but you can't hear me hit the ground because I am laughing louder.

This was my walk and it was my choice.